How Do I Help My Parents?

My dad passed away approximately four years ago. My mom was emotionally and physically tied to her home. My heart skipped a beat as I drove away from her house one day only to see a large homeless camp forming just a block from her home. As our parents age, it can be complicated to walk the line of being respectful and allowing for autonomy and independence, but still keeping enough of an eye on things to make sure that they are safe. I appreciate those children who encourage their parents to “live” their lives, even with deficits and quirks, but are available to assist when needed. This takes a lot more energy than “locking things down” and just taking over. But sometimes this can go a little too far, in that respectful children may not want to use the words “death” or “end-of-life” or get involved in a “parent’s business.” While I appreciate the idea, this is a huge, huge mistake. The following are my “essentials” when it comes to providing help or assistance to aging parents:

1.      Talk to your parents about their finances. You don’t have to “pry.” Approach it so they know you aren’t being nosy, but instead wanting to be prepared if you have to cover costs or decision-making for them. Opening up the conversation and allowing it to be an “acceptable” topic will be healthy and naturally release some of the tension and anxiety.

2.      Talk to your parents about their legal documents. Be specific. What documents do they have? Where would you find them? Who is their attorney? Who is the first decision-maker in an emergency? They may appreciate you opening up the conversation.

3.      Know their passwords, or how to get their passwords if they are needed, for all smart devices, email accounts and alarm codes. Have your parent make you their legacy contact on their iphone if applicable. Get a list of their monthly bills and monthly income so you can step in with as little disruption as possible for everyone.

4.      Talk with them now while there is not an emergency. Ask what their funeral plans are and what they feel strongly about. Ask them what “quality of life” means to them so you can advocate for them medically. Ask if it is important for them to be cremated or buried. Document your conversations. Ask about what their desires are for their personal property. Ask about long-term care policies and pensions. 

5.      It’s okay to take on this role expecting to have to get support. Find your trusted resources. Know what community resources are available to support you and your loved one. You can maintain your “quarterback” position and leave a lot of the heavy lifting and time-consuming tasks to the attorneys, CPAs, realtors, fiduciaries, financial advisors, caregivers, geriatric care managers, placement agents, and other support people. There is a myriad of senior specialists in all of these areas.

6.      Bring your patience and love to the table. Aging is not for the faint of heart. Pain, lack of mobility, discouragement, revocation of driving privileges, and an inability to carry out desired tasks, along with the paranoia and anxiety that come with knowing that one isn’t “at the top of her game” can affect mood and attitude and you will often be the “safe” person who gets to hear about it. In the moment, you may not be appreciated for “showing up.” Try to meet your parent where she is. Try to allow her to be herself, and don’t take negative behaviors personally.